saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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