Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
