last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
