Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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