a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
