I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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