Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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