I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
