Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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