She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
