I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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