Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
