He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
