Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
this will be a night to untag.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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