im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
