I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think your dad took our porno
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
