meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
