If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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