Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
