I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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