I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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