When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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