Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
