Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
