Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
whose ass print is on the piano?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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