I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I CAN MOONWALK!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
