I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
