I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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