ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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