ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
