I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
