Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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