Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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