Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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