You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
