Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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