I faked an abortion last night.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he thought i was a dude.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
