somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm just crazy horny about you
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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