I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I want her autograph on my taint
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
