you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
