I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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