my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
