We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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