he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
