I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
