omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
