Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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