I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Even my vagina gasped.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
