Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
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Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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