did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
