Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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