i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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