There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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