the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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