A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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