Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
