oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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