so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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