someone get that fucking seahorse.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
