my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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