textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
