I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
