she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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