You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
